Storms bring closure and renewal. Through the turmoil, parts of life are destroyed and space is created for the new. ~ Gail Scott
How many people at work do you wish were different? And if they were different, life would be much easier, right?
Why limit it to the workplace … let’s get real, what about family members, lovers and children too?
Stress comes in many forms, and the biggest place we experience stress is in relationships. When the people we work and live with don’t meet our expectations, we get frustrated, angry and disappointed.
And don’t think the feeling isn’t mutual …it is.
What if, instead of judging someone about what they do, we thought “I bet that person has a very good reason for doing what they do. I just don’t know what that reason is?” When we don’t know their reason and I can assure they have one, we make one up. The problem is the reason we make up, is often highly inaccurate.
What should we do?
- Ask them the reason why they do what they do? Ask what their intention is. It may seem simple but the trick is to ask from a place of curiosity,not judgment. If we ask from judgment, believing we know best or better, they will probably get defensive. So, imagine you really don’t know (because you don’t), and get curious.
- Listen to their answer. They may not know themselves. Notice what they say. Do they get defensive? Are they aware of their behavior? Do they care that it affects you? Ask more questions so you are really clear. This will help them get clear too.
- Explain as neutrally as you can how this is impacting you. Use phrases such as…
”I notice when you (whatever they do)… I feel (emotion) …and the impact on me is ….(whatever happens to you).
Eg. I notice when you arrive late, I feel frustrated and the impact on me is I become afraid you’re not coming. (Even if you’re really thinking “why can’t they get their act together and come on time?”)
“When you check your cell phone during our conversation, I feel aggravated, and the impact on me is I get distracted from my train of thought and lose my focus. (Even if what you’re really thinking “this person is so rude”.)
The more you can be neutral in your dialogue the more relaxed you and the other person will be. Do not come from a place of blame. Make your statements as matter of fact as you can. Once you’ve used the above statements, move forward in the conversation with the following:
- Make a request to get agreement on what is possible moving forward. Use empowered statements such as “I need or I want” followed by a request. This helps the other person understand what you really want. Eg I want you to be on time. I need you to put your phone away during our conversations.
- Make sure to get agreement. Ask them “Will you do this?”
- Be prepared to negotiate. For every request, expect a “yes, no or counteroffer”.
- Expect it not to work all the time. Human beings behave from well ingrained and practiced patterns. The trick is to notice your pattern and to change YOUR behavior to create a different result that works for you.
This strategy is great for work, and home. Stating our needs, wants and expectations with our loved ones means we may not always get things to go exactly the way we want, but we can begin to slowly shift patterns and habits and improve our communication skills one conversation at a time.
Sometimes the best course of action is just letting go. There is only so much we can control.
Trust that you are doing the best you can. Trust that others can take care of themselves? Trust yourself first and do what you can.
And know when it’s worth having the difficult conversations. Ask yourself “how important is it?” Ask for help. Set boundaries. Communicate with those who need to know what’s going on. Don’t make the other person wrong or you right. Instead just state the facts in a way that expresses what you need. Watch, learn and always be curious.
Potential clients often ask me… “how is coaching with you different from therapy?”
In answering this question, we must first understand what coaching and therapy are.
Coaching is the process of understanding clearly where you are right now, figuring out where you want to go, and removing the blocks, and taking action to get there. In my coaching practice I initially take clients through a thorough discovery process to determine what their baseline of life experience is, in the present moment. This covers all areas of life and we leave no stone un-turned. Then we have to know clearly where you want to go. Once this is decided, and defined, we both know the destination we are heading for.
Each session explores what is in the way of reaching that destination. We more fully understand the situation, remove the obstacles, and define “agreed upon action taking” to get there. Accountability is a core component in the coaching process and at the outset, I as a coach, will often believe more in my client than they do in themselves. This is crucial for supporting the client’s journey to achieving their outcomes.
Talk therapy, on the other hand, is used primarily to determine and understand a client’s past and present experiences. There is less chance a therapist will have the client make defined forward motion agreements to any destination and there is rarely an accountability agreement for new results.
In my coaching practice, clients often come to me when they have exhausted therapy. Their situations are not improving, and they are frequently noticing their bodies beginning to break down from the continued, and unresolved, stress of their life. They have spent a lot of time and money trying to figure it out and are stuck. The therapy no longer seems to be working.
My unique coaching work focuses on what we already know and what I intuitively discern (and check in with you about) in our initial conversation. My specialized (tried and tested) tools and techniques help move you forward to where you want to go. It’s not always easy work, but if you commit to the process, you will get fabulous, life changing results. My interview process ensures that we are a perfect fit for working together before we begin.
No one session is identical as each situation warrants an intuitive approach to find the right resolution for where you are, at that particular moment. Tools include but are not limited to powerful questioning, mind-mapping and intuitive guidance or channeling, as well as a bounty of coaching practices I have created over the years.
I use a variety of neuro-linguistic programming practices, specialized visioning processes and inner child meditations, as well as remote energetic healing to move blocks. I also guarantee that any process I ask you to work through will be one I have developed as a result of doing this kind of work myself. My unique story and experience makes coaching with me “one of a kind each and every time”.
Most of my clients tell me after working with me (sometimes in even the first session), “I’ve been in therapy for a long time, and have made more progress with you now than I did in years of therapy. Why did I not get this kind of work in therapy?”.
I am fortunate and gifted in the blend of experience, education and extra-sensory perception that I have, to be able to use my skills to help individuals quickly move out of stress, doubt and overwhelm and into an authentic, conscious and fulfilling way of being.
If you’re looking for a fast, effective and powerful unique coaching modality to make permanent shifts in your life, consider coaching with me.